Dead Snow (2009)

Rating: A+
Død Snø. Listen up, everyone [STOP] There is no excuse for omitting this one [STOP] It is highly entertaining [STOP] À la Trick 'r Treat, you will have a darn good time joining in on this celebration of horror [FULL STOP]

Sorority Row (2009)

Rating: D-
I would really hate to know how much money was spent on this movie, and I would be shocked if it took more than a weekend to make. Unlike the Stepfather remake, I was mostly bored and hard-pressed to find something pleasing: no suspense, no likable characters (the characters we were supposed to like were paper thin, weak), trite twists, and pitiful red herrings! A complete waste of time. No one put any effort into this film unless you consider the viewer's effort to get through it. The only reason I am not giving it an F is due to a few tongue-in-cheek remarks from Jessica (Leah Pipes).

Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)

Rating: D
Just over an hour in duration, Feast III managed to put me to sleep by the 35-minute mark. What happened to this series? I had a blast with Feast and Feast II. Then this installment comes along and spoils the fun. It's tough to say exactly how it went sour, as the very elements I detested were utilized in the previous installments: bloody gimmicks, unexpected deaths, humor. But, unlike the previous films, the way in which these elements were utilized faulted the overall experience. Just a bizarre, rushed conclusion to an otherwise pleasing franchise.

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)

Rating: A
This series is just plain fun. I'm so glad I gave in to Netflix's personal campaign to make me rent these movies, even though everything about the franchise looks stupid, lame, corny, ridiculous! For a sequel, this is game. Halfway through, I caught on to the pattern of the particular people who are killed (yeah, I'm slow). You get all the same gimmicks from Feast, but with better cinematography, higher production value, and a larger cast. If you want to witness Raimiesque character abuse and buckets of fluids galore, check this out!

Feast (2005)

Rating: A
Now here's a break from the ordinary that works! Netflix has been shoving the Feast trilogy in my face for a while now, and I finally obliged. Didn't expect much; in fact, I expected it to be yet another lame American attempt at horror-comedy. Lo, the humor is on-target and perfectly mixed with frenetic camera movement and quality gore effects. This is that perfect mix that is for some reason so difficult for me to find. Though the entire film--not that it's a lengthy film by any means--takes place in the same dilapidated western bar, it kept me entertained all the way through. And I can't say I've seen such a great use of on-screen profiles in a horror movie before, ever! Good thing I went ahead and snagged the next two installments: Sloppy Seconds and The Happy Finish. Hats off to John Gulager for this first installment.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

Rating: A
I'm not sure where, exactly, this film falls in the chronology of Ti West's releases, but it only carries with it shades of Ti West's directorial imprint. It has the quickest pacing of all his films by far, and contains the most special effects of, well, a lot of films! After watching the over-the-top, cheap (thanks for the adjective Gore-Gore Girl) effects of Tokyo Gore Police, Cabin Fever 2 was a breath of fresh air. Fingernail gore, for instance, has always managed to "get" me, but this film pushed me to the limit! And that's just the beginning of its gruesome antics. In addition to pleasing bloody (and other fluid) gags, the film keeps a consistent balance between comedy and gore that is just plain fun. Plus, it contained a bunch of familiar horror faces including Noah Segan (Deadgirl), Michael Bowen (Autopsy, The Lost), and Marc Senter, who basically reprises his role from The Lost (2005). I will definitely be watching this again and again. I will not spoil it for those who are for some reason reading this without having seen the film first, but they couldn't have picked a better character to open the film! The rare great sequel has been achieved.

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Rating: C-
It had been a while since I'd watched any J-horror, but then again, I got bored with vengeful spirit-inhabited electronics and houses. So, the compromise: a movie that promised shock cinema in the form of a satirical gore-fest, Tokyo Gore Police. And it was just that. At the beginning of each fight sequence, I swear I heard someone yell, Mooortaaaaal Kooooombaaaaat! Then, the movie gave way to all out splatter-punk. Unfortunately, it isn't my thing. For me, there is a very fine line when it comes to gore. In the case of this film, it was too over-the-top, and while it was sometimes laughable by design, everything about the movie became too gratuitous and redundant à la Ichi the Killer (sorry Miike die-hards; I do like his other work though). What saved the film from being a complete flop? Eihi Shiina, who beautifully executed her role in Audition, and the hilarious social satire commercials.

Paranormal Entity (2009)

Rating: B
When people see this title, they're going to scoff, as I did, and dismiss it as a poorly done Paranormal Activity knockoff. Well, I'm here to tell you that, while it is a knock-off, it's not a bad little film. In fact, it's pretty good. Sure, it capitalizes on Activity's success--the characters even reference the film as a means of capitalization (though not of Activity directly), which wins points from me--but the suspense is effective, and the film obviously decided to mollify those who denounced Activity by addressing their complaints. The chief complaint being that nothing (physically) threatening really happens in Activity. Entity isn't without some holes despite decent editing, but the acting is mostly good when the mother isn't around, and the end works for me. One of my gripes with Activity was the addition of CGI, which Entity omits. Any horror fan would do well to check this one out. If you're wondering where this "mockbuster" came from, check out The Asylum.

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Rating: B-
A unique take on the werewolf genre that is equal parts entertaining and dull. Long lulls and attempts at near philosophical inquiry forced me to watch in the middle of the day so as not to fall asleep, which I have done twice trying to watch this at night. Some of the humor, however, was spot on, and the werewolf costume design was superb. Great blood spatters, too! Neil Marshall's second film, The Descent, is much better (one of my all-time favorites). I look forward to the next watch of The Descent whereas this one will fade from my memory.

Orphan (2009)

Rating: D
I basically just finished watching Vera Farmiga reprise her role in Joshua (2007). The more I think about it, the more I realize that Orphan was the exact same story, even, but with a completely insulting twist. When the realization scene unfolded, I was irritated, annoyed, and, as I said, insulted. And this coming from the guy who loves and defends High Tension (don't worry, it's not the same twist). I almost gave Orphan an F, but in light of Born, I'll stick with a D; it did have a few tense moments and fairly good acting if you like watching hours of mostly bothersome domestic quarrels. I might have considered a C- if it hadn't taken 120 minutes from my life!